Why She Doesn’t Believe That You Love Her

by Kim Quindlen, Thought Catalog

Because people have made her promises in the past and they've broken them. Because no matter how hard she works or how good of a person she is, she doesn't believe she is worthy of love. Because she’s had too many people leave her – both intentionally and unintentionally – and she doesn't want to give you the chance to leave too. There are a million reasons she might not be able to believe that you love her. And there will be a million more in the future.

She’s been through so much. So much. She’s had moments where she didn't know how she was going to keep going. Moments where she didn't think she could get out of bed, and worse moments where she did get out of bed and she felt like an empty shell while she was walking around. At some points, she was so lost and so torn up that she wasn't even sure if she was real.

Sometimes she can’t believe that you love her, but other times she doesn't want to believe that you love her, because that would just be too good, and good is not what she’s used to. She doesn't want to love you and then lose you. She’s scared, because having someone and then not suddenly not having them is a lot scarier than being alone.

She might be extremely secure with herself, or she might think she is nothing. She might be somewhere right down the middle. Regardless, she can’t believe she will find love with someone like you, because she hasn't seen enough of it yet. She’s seen some beautiful love, but she has a hard time remembering that kind of love when she’s watching the sadder stories unfold. She’s seen her friends get hurt, and she’s seen her friends hurt other people. She knows that breaking someone’s heart doesn't always mean you’re a jerk or a heartless monster. She knows good people hurt other good people. Sometimes one person just doesn't love another in the same way. Sometimes they did love that person and then they fall out of it. Either way, they have to be honest with themselves, and they have to be fair to the other person. In the end, someone always gets crushed.

Maybe she’s afraid to love you because she’s been the person that’s broken someone else’s heart. Being hurt doesn't always have to mean you were on the receiving end. You can hurt yourself by hurting someone else, to the point where you can’t even breathe and you hate waking up in your own body, knowing what you did and how you made someone else feel. Maybe she loved someone but knew they weren't the right person for her, so she had to leave them. And now she’s worried that you’re going to do the same thing to her. That, even though you love her and you are kindhearted and you have the purest intentions, you still might have to walk away. She knows there are so many reasons why this might not work, so instead of paying attention to the one reason why it will, she focuses on the ways it won’t. It’s called self-preservation, and it’s all she knows.

She listens to love songs and she lets them pass through her and she wants them to be her life. But she can’t. She wants to be that sickeningly happy. To be so in love that you laugh at things that aren't that funny and so in love that you aren't fazed by rude people or stressful situations. But she won’t let herself give into the fantasy of leaning her head against the train window and listening to that song and wearing a dizzying smile as she thinks about you. She’d rather stay on the cautious side. This side of things is not thrilling or exhilarating. You don’t get goosebumps, and you don’t feel as if you need to go outside and run a mile in order to get rid of the boundless energy you feel just from thinking about someone else. This side isn't living. But it’s safe and secure and she has a grip on her head and her heart. She doesn't feel shaky or unstable. She’s in control.

Maybe, technically, she does believe that you love her. Somewhere inside of her, once you get past all of the defense mechanisms, she is soft and she feels things and she believes that you love her. But this is also the part of her that is the most vulnerable. She knows that if she’s going to let herself feel what you’re telling her and if she’s going to believe that you love her, she’s going to have to expose her soft side, her vulnerable side – the side she works the hardest to keep safe.

She wants to trust you. She wants to believe that you’re different. She wants to give you the chance to break her into a million pieces. But you've got to meet her halfway. You've got to let her know that you’re scared too. You've got to remind her that you’re just as much at risk, because she can break you into a million pieces too. If she can’t believe that you love her, tell her anyway. Every day. Show her. Make her understand that you’re not going anywhere. Because at the end of the day, you want her to be staring out that train window, thinking only of you.

What should I do?

But what can I do? I have already lost the person. What should I do? The more I try to do something, the more the person tries to push me away. What do I do? I can only spend each day thinking of this person I can't go a day without thinking about. But it hurts. Sometimes. I can't give up. But at the same time, I am supposed to give up. Did I get too emotionally attached? Is it because I cared too much?

Inner struggles

The battle of the angel and the devil within you. The feelings within me that gets uncontrollable. It gets overwhelming and I get emotional breakdowns. Agony activated.

What am I supposed to do when I still have feelings for him? When I, myself, understand that I should be over him. Or, do I really not understand? I am thankful for what had happened, though. Knowing no reasons, I ponder. Maybe, we were meant to part ways, to be grow up more independently and become a better person for each other the next time we meet. To say this is because there were coincidences we had before we actually knew each other. First, him taking the bus to his grandmother's house that passes by my house and second, the school route we used to go to go, it intersected.

But maybe, we were meant to separate? What if it was only temporary? Was it my fault? Why did he act that way to me even though we have parted ways? Such a cruel joke. I know no reason and I probably deserved it anyway. Friends have asked me, "If he begged you to be back with you, will you?" This question had a huge impact on me. I pondered hard. Will I? Or will I not? Reasons to not to, will they hold me back? Or will my emotions reign?

Or, maybe, he belongs to 2014 and should remain there.

Maybe, it was a matter of wrong timing.

Maybe, we lacked communication.

Maybe, we lacked trust.

Maybe, we lacked something.

Maybe, we are meant to part ways.

Maybe, we weren't good enough for each other. 

Maybe, we cared too much. 

Or was it just me?

Lol, funny!

FERRERO-LAND

Okay so, we discovered the Ferrero shop outside Wisma Atria and went there the next day to watch the demo on making ferrero rocher. We went at like 7pm-ish and man, I swear to you, the shop was so beautiful. I can never get enough of it and I wouldn't leave so soon! I would just molest every inch of the shop okay. So here's some pictures snapped by yours truly. Enjoy!

So this guy starts the demonstration by pouring a bowl of melted chocolate onto the table

Then he mixed the chocolate on the table and puts them back to the bowl. Of course, he cleaned the table too. 

He bring outs the stuff for the ferrero rocher making - the nuts. lol. and that circle thingy for shaking.

He soaks the core nut into the bowl of chocolate and then places it on the circle thingy to shake it a bit before coating it with the nuts. 

Chocolate coating round 2

Shaking and drying of the chocolate

Look at the one in the middle, it's fully dried and ready to serve!

He brings out the bowl to place the ferrero rocher

Ta-da!

Such a grand entrance, I doubt you would believe this is in Singapore either.

Step paparazzi :p

What we bought. They were soooooo good and gone within the night. 

Forget you not

Haunted heart

It just won't disappear. It will always be there, haunting me. The more I smile, the more it hurts. When will it stop? I want this to stop. It hurts and I feel so helpless, unable to do anything. Even smiling makes it worse. 

Project lunch-because-dad-is-away

Initially, mum had suggested that we each cooked a meal since dad is away trekking with his friends in HK. I agreed and googled some recipes when I chanced upon Red Shallot Kitchen's Chicken Piccata recipe. It was to be served with pasta but we decided to replace pasta with side dishes such as veggies, tomatoes, etc. since we felt that having pasta would be too much. It was to be served to 4 pax, however, sis is away and we decided to cook only 3 chix. 

(Didn't get to take pics of the part before the pics below)

Golden brown chix ;)

Adding in lettuce and tomatoes...

Ta-da! Our finishing touch :-)

The sauce was quite sour, maybe because one chix less? Or it was meant to complement with pasta? We don't know hahahaha. Overall, it was yummy and we don't feel too full from eating it and I would cook again next time because the cooking process is very simple. Can't wait for more sessions like this! 

Recipe here.

To be able to catch a sunset at 7pm-ish, I must say I was really lucky. It was so beautiful, even my phone couldn't capture its beauty well. ION Sky (level 55) is the best place to catch a sunset with the cityscape! 

Feelings that still linger

I am supposed to let go,

But the feelings refuse to budge.

It still hurts,

For the situation right now is torn.

As I start to beg,

I begin to lose my value in your eyes.

Maybe, pride has decided to sit back

And let my heart reign.

You shouldn't be with someone because you have everything in common with that person. You should be with someone because you two are able to tolerate each other's differences. Having everything in common is for best friends. Opening each other's minds to new worlds is love.

Unexplainable

Lost it all

I want it and I go for it. 

I get it but I lose grip of it. 

I lose control, I lose my mind 

and there it goes, free from me. 

Because it got hurt instead of me.

And yet, the amount of apologies

can never be enough

 to bring back the past.

Deep inside

This is the a picture, a picture that basically speaks how I feel. Tbh, I don't know why it is this way. I just feel so calm, as if the world stopped, whenever I looked at the sky. It just feels like I am flying. It just makes me feel as if I am free, as if I am free of shits life give. This also reminds me of my printmaking art piece that resembles this situation - envying the birds for being so carefree, flying in the sky.

And here we are, living the fast-paced life, stressing over work and chatting with friends. But sometimes, I just want to stop and completely freeze time. Do nothing but take a look at Earth. To feel as if everything was lifted off me. I feel as if I am transported from the city to my own world, even if it was only for a minute because why not?

Society and me

I have always hated how I believe people I trust because 85% of the time, they do not mean what they said. And when they do that, I begin to wonder, why give me false hope? Why did I trust you and believe you? Why am I so pathetic? Why, why, why?

I know we are humans and humans are not perfect. We tend to not get along with some people and of course, we judge others and perceive them negatively. I am no different either. It is definitely an excuse if I say that it is okay to do so. It is but not always because it is in our human nature? Just gotta keep trying. Keep trying not to talk bad about others.

I must admit, ignorance is bliss. Ignore what others are doing, how they are acting fake or bullshitting me. But what do you really want? Sugarcoated lies or the bitter truth?

Honestly, ignoring it is a lot harder than you think it is. It's like, it is right in front of you, in your face and you can't help but notice it. Worse is being able to see it and sense it. Like it or not, truth comes crushing your smile and break you any time it likes. Someone telling you, finding it yourself by chance... it can happen anywhere.

When it doesn't come to you and you really want to know, you can't help but assume so as to satisfy the purpose of finding out something. Pathetic, isn't it?

And all these are basically what the caption in the picture means. I can totally agree on it but yet, I am always talking to people. I can't stop. Feelings will just keep coming like a cycle and I have to keeping feeling like shit. All the time, I wonder why I have to feel such unpleasant feelings when I don't want to.

But for sure, I know I love to spend time alone. I feel totally myself although a little cowardly when it comes to having peers with me hahaha. I've tried shopping alone and it was awesome, felt so good and I could do what I wanted without worrying. I have yet to try watching movies alone, though.

There are also times whereby I look into the sky and feel at ease, as if the feeling of being alone is awesome. Without care and worries, it just feels like heaven. I could breathe. I felt so calm and warm. From time to time, I wonder if I will be able to find a quiet place to live in. Stress-free, calm and peaceful. Mhm, sounds good.

But, will I be able to achieve my dream of peace? Who knows.

the value of friendship

I'm not a very good starter on blogging but today, I would like to talk about friendship. Something has happened to my friend and I and we made up today I think? Haha. I have known her for 4 years although we haven't seen each other once irl (in real life). She is an old friend of mine, someone whom I'd met on an online rpg game. Not on PC but iPhone/Andriod/whatever. We have fought several times. I know, we may not be able to get along sometimes. 

I sort of found a problem with her and didn't speak to her for days. I knew she would find it weird but knowing her, she'd definitely figure it out either way or another. After some time away from here, I had been reflecting and thinking about what I should do. Should I just leave it as it is? An abrupt end to our four years of friendship? I must admit, I felt that I had to clear things up with her and stop the tension. After all, it was me who started it and anyway, I'd wanted to speak to her about it. I finally did after some time. I know it's an excuse if I said I'd been busy with school so I delayed it but no, really, I really am very, very tired from school. Oh god, the modules are intense and my brain was practically drained. 

Anyway, before I go out of point, I will not go into the details of what happened but yeah, I am really glad that I made up with her even though I know we don't get along well sometimes. Either way, we are good friends after all. Right now, she is going through a difficult time, just like me. Except that I am sort of getting better and almost out of it. I don't know if she got the message that I'm there for her cuz I sort of left her alone battling her struggles. I did not go back to her cuz I felt bad for her, though. Just saying. I guess this friendship was worth fighting for. :-)

Psychology test: Introvert or Extrovert?

You are more of an introvert

You feel that living alone is to live happily, and you prefer hiding in a crowd rather than standing out in one. You are perpetually tormented by the idea of doing things wrong, not understanding or not being alert enough or intelligent enough to do what others expect of you. You lack in self-confidence and you seem to believe that others are better than you. While in a conversation, for example, you would be more likely to go along with the other’s points of view as you don’t fully respect your own opinions. Where there’s a low level task to complete or a service to be allotted, it’s you who volunteers. When people want to get out of a task, they naturally come to you as they know that you never say ‘no’. It’s not surprising that you sometimes have the impression of being permanently exploited, but you don’t really know how to break this vicious circle. On the rare occasions that you’ve tried to do so, this uncharacteristic defiance has caused uproar and you’ve ended up backing down. You are afraid of contact with others as you imagine that they are constantly judging you and that their probing looks will obviously find your faults. So, you try to remain the most transparent and discreet possible. How far will you take this logic of self-denigration? Try and stop projecting onto others the bad image you have about yourself. Have a good look around you and you’ll see that they too have faults, weaknesses and shortcomings, so stop finding excuses for everything. Maybe you were brought up in an atmosphere of ‘You’ll never make the grade’ as a child — a poison that you need progressively to get out of your system. Learn to look after your own interests — everyone else does, so why not you? You too have desires, dreams and opinions — express them. If you think that by saying no or thinking differently from others that you will no longer be loved, it just isn’t so. Others will learn to respect you because you respect yourself.

-

I have noticed that my recent posts are all about myself, the sides of me which I didn't know I was. Perhaps, this so-called darkest period which I call is a journey in search of myself. I am glad that I am finally searching for myself and getting to know myself better. Although the journey is tough, I am trying my best to hang in there. I still suck at handling people, though. In this journey, I hope to know more about myself and see how I should improve and etc. It sounds pretty cliche or something but owell, it's me.

Clearly, me.

Misfit

Basically, an individual. In the school social classes of today, a misfit doesn't fit into any one quite right, not even the outcasts, but may have qualities of each one. True misfits usually do not believe they are emo or goth, and they are usually introverts. Misfits tend to follow their own beliefs, and are usually persecuted for it. Misfits tend to be hated for no reason, have few good friends, and are usually intelligent and mature, and sometimes sort of insane and depressed. Misfits tend not to care about their bad social lives, but some do.

source: urban dictionary

Truly, me.

"Smart girls are the over-thinkers, the insecure ones, the different ones. They know what the real world is like. They analyze every little thing in life. Why? To avoid getting hurt. To find happiness. They stay up at night trying to think about every possible situation to get through all the problems. They think too much. They trust less people. Their insecurity proves their respect towards themselves. Of course they try to live away from a drama-filled life. Smart girls know their worth, now that’s the ones worth keeping by your side." - Drake

Set me free

(Taken from twitter)

It was so true. After all, only the truth sets me free. Not you, not me, but the truth. However, this applies to any kind of situation as this applies to a certain scenario. 

And also, this article from Thought Catalog. Whether or not you are cheating. Some points applies. Have a great enlightenment! 

Thought Catalog artcle: http://tcat.tc/1Dkj7Wu

Semester twooooooooooooo.

Semester two began last monday. It was kinda crazy, esp with those kinds of modules that requires lots of thinking. I nearly died. Thank god today's public holiday (deepavali). Could use a break so soon LOL. This sem is gonna be a killer, I'm barely surviving omg... Oh well, I hope this semester will be good.

On monday, my module was Art of Story. We learnt how to analyse a story based on a short film by Pixar. It was so hard to do omg. And I kinda screwed up the presentation :( I thought I'd get a C or something. Thank god I got A omg.

On the other hand, I got to see my friends hehe. I've missed them! And it was so weird, being in different classes and such. It was kinda sad and we found it hard to adapt. We kept thinking that our class in sem 1 was the best. It's kinda true but what can we do? All we can do is to make the best of everything. I wish us the best this sem!

Well... I was gonna add something but I forgot so... laters!

My feels today

A part of me

Up to this day, I have realized some parts of me. Parts of me that is kind of repelling to others.

I feel like I am the type of person that people can't really trust.
The type that is very, very sensitive to every single thing.
The type that can be very selfish.
The type that feels betrayed easily.
The type who hates to be ignored.
The type who can't stop asking questions.
The type who can't just settle with vague answers.

For some reason, I can't seem to stop feeling that way although there are times where I feel that it was too much of me.

But I can't help it.

How?

Am I back?

Or am I not? 

It's been a while since I've blogged, after I deleted my WordPress. Unfortunately, I can't get my domain back. Such a shame :(

Life hasn't been going well and yeah, it's pretty depressing. So much feels omg. And I can't seem to stop...? 

I failed to keep my thoughts to myself and needed to let it out somehow. Therefore, I decided to get myself a small diary and pen my thoughts. My deepest thoughts which I feel from within although I did tell a person or two about it. But not entirely, though. It's kind of difficult. I don't know how to express my feelings. I probably have alexithymia. 

Wiki defines alexithymia as "a personality construct characterized by the sub-clinical inability to identify and describe emotions in the self. The core characteristics of alexithymia are marked dysfunction in emotional awareness, social attachment, and interpersonal relating. Furthermore, individuals suffering from alexithymia also have difficulty in distinguishing and appreciating the emotions of others, which is thought to lead to unempathic and ineffective emotional responding."

Well, I believe I'm sorta like that. I think.

As life hasn't been going on well for me, it's been a struggle. Hence, I've decided to buy myself a book by Demi Lovato called Staying Strong. The book is something like a daily journal, with a quote, elaboration and goal written each day. It's pretty inspirational and I love it. I feel better after understanding a lil bit more. Sometimes, when I feel kind of depressed, I'll randomly flip through to look for a relevant quote. I swear, it's damn good.

Anyway, today is my 18th birthday and the first few hours sucked. I felt loneliness and everything. It sucked so bad that I cried. But, why do I cry easily? Why do I feel pain in the chest? It hurts. 

But, as the day became night, it gradually got better and better. In a sense that I feel happier and happier as time passed.

After a disappointing lunch, we shopped a hard drive for myself cuz I need, duh. HAHAHA. After shopping, we headed home and rested. In midst of it, I decided to look up Amore Fitness & Spa, something like that cuz I decided I needed some improvement... But the website lacked information on rates and schedules. I too looked up on Yoga Inc. because it's pretty near my house and it cost quite a bit omg. So, I asked mom if she wanted to go with me and she said she could give me some free yoga thing somewhere else. It feels kind of weird though. *Still interested in Yoga Inc.! >.<* After that, we had mookata for dinner with my fam except jane. I kind of burnt my hand cuz i touched the pot :( It still hurts :'(

Finally, we headed for Awfully Chocolate nearby for desserts yay. There's always room for dessert! Definitely! We ordered 2 cakes and truffles hehe. It was damn good omg. I LOVED IT. Hehe. I tried the Singha beer at Mookata and Asahi beer at Awfully Chocolate. I liked Asahi one better cuz it's draft. Meaning to say, it's more fresh ;)

taste of asahi beer while waiting for our orders

our orders finally arrived

fam photo

chocolate house yeahhhhhh

chocolate hdb flat :P

Honestly, it was so hard to decide what to wish omg. To the extent that mom told me to pretend I'm making a wish wtf hahhahaha. I don't have the picture though :P

Goodnight! 

xx Jean O